(cont.)
Q: After giving birth to my third child, I discovered with horror that I don't like children. What shall I do?
A: In modern urban cities, any unwanted item (bookshelves, chairs, family members) can simply be left outside the apartment. Go out shopping for a couple of hours, and when you come back the surplus goods will have conveniently disappeared.
Q: I am a divorced man paying maintenance costs for my ex-wife and three children, and I barely have a dollar to myself at the end of the month. What can I do?
A: Always sit near large families in restaurants. First, they will remind you of your family, and second, when they leave, you can slide into their chairs and there will be enough cold chips and baked beans left to make a generous and thoroughly nourishing meal.
Q: My friends think I am boring because my children are called John and Mary. Please confirm that there is nothing wrong with favouring traditional names. By the way, I have seven children—three boys called John and four girls called Mary.
A: Why not give them an interesting middle name, such as Idiotschild?
Q: The doctor says I should feed my children healthy stuff like vegetables and fruit, but they won't eat it.
A: Slice courgettes and sweet peppers into chunky rectangles and dip them in melted chocolate. The kids still won't eat them, but at least you can tell the doctor you tried.
Q: I have at least seventy-five unwanted stuffed toys in my apartment. Most are teddy bears. Is there anything I can do with them them?
A: Write the words Teddy Bear Museum on your door and charge your friends and neighbours $50 to come in. They'll love it.
Q: We have moved to a small house with a tiny garden and my child has got into the habit of eating worms. What shall we do?
A: Sprinkle with freshly ground black pepper and drizzle with balsamic vinegar to bring out the flavour. Serve immediately before they wriggle off the plates.
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